Life Update

I always swear to update and post regularly and then one thing or another happens and the next thing you know its been weeks. Sorry!!
Things have been rolling right along here lately. Work is crazy because of the time of year. Life is crazy because of the time of year.
I am so much better off this year for Christmas than I ever have been. I only have a few presents bought already but I have a plan... I made lists, I know what I am doing for each person, I am on a timeline and I feel good about it. I am also much happier this season than I have been most Christmas seasons. I want to be in the Christmas spirit and I think I am. We recently rented a house (a real house, just ours, not an apartment, not a house shared with others...) and I want to do the whole decorating nine yards! We got lights up on the outside of our house. WooHoo! I have a Christmas feast planned that we will probably have leftovers for months!! I want to bake dozens of cookies, listen to Christmas music and almost everynight I check out which Christmas shows are on (and I usually watch them... much to C's frustration lol). It's going to be hard and tiring and stressful sometimes but, I'm loving every minute of it!!
Also I decided to bite the bullet and quit smoking... what the hell was I thinking doing this right now!! I have not smoked since Dec. 5th. I know its only six days but I am hanging strong. Everytime I really want a cigarette I think to myself that I have come so far without being toooo much of a bitch and I don't want to start that over again. Wish me luck! Now we just have to work on C... hint, hint ;)
I found out a cpl of weeks ago that my pap smear came back abnormal so the docs want to run a test to check it out and maybe o a biopsy. Of course they could only get me after Christmas so I have to worry til then lol. At first I kinda was in a daze. I know that its probably nothing and this sorta thing happens to millions of women everyday but, about a year ago I had a test result come back abnormal. The doctor, who I didn't like very much, decided to wait three months and do another pap smear. Well I missed that appointment. I blamed them because the didn't call and remind of the appointment... when did doctor offices stop doing that??? I mean I have a hard enough time remembering this week lol. Anyway... I also guess I just didn't want to go. I didn't want to deal with it and I didn't want to see that doctor again and no I hadn't switched doctors yet because I always procrastinate with things like that. So move forward to now... I missed a period and was starting into the second month of no periods. We were sweating bullets! I mean we were freaking out!! We took like 4 different pregnancy tests with in that month. They all said negative which helped relieve some stress but still there is always that thought "what if they are ALL wrong?' So I make an appointment... new doctor which I love!! And still abnormal test result. I am worried because both my mother and grandmother have died from cancer. Both various types and I don't think specifically uterine or cervical but I'm not sure. I was not involved in my mothers life when this happened to her... long story for another time perhaps. So I am working really hard to not think the doom and gloom thoughts and just wait to see that it is probably nothing.
Our son is of course trying every bit of patience and endurance we have but I guess that is the life of parenthood. I love him so much and I think that he is going to be ok. Whether C and I are is another story lol.
Things with D/s have been in and out. Between schedules, the boy, the holiday, and also impending doctors it's hard for me to think about it. I think we are searching for our niche in this and I know it is going to be tough sometimes but we will get there. We just both have to get there together. Throughout our lives together we have sometimes been at different levels but we always came back together and then it is always better. I know we will figure it out! He is the light of my life and we will always be exploring things together. Thats what makes it fun and interesting.
Happy Holidays to everyone... in case I don't get back on again before then but I will try try try to post more often :)

MEME

I am sneaking a few meme's from people because they look like fun and I think it is a great way to get to know people and a way for me to give people a look inside me (without that whole embarrassing trying to write about yourself thing lol)

Three things you like about yourself: eyes, hair (most days), my dependability
Three things you don't like about yourself: my weight, my feet, and my fingernails (i bite them...bad, bad, girl!)
Three things that scare you: anything bad happening to my son, snakes and spiders, being in situations or around people that are not familiar to me
Three of your everyday essentials:seeing my husband and son, cigarettes (i know... bad, bad girl!), and at least 30 minutes of the Food Network channel lol
Three things you are wearing right now: tank top, panties, shorts
Three of your favorite songs: Paradise by the Eagles, everything Bon Jovi has done, and most Meatloaf songs
Three things you want in a relationship: love, commitment, fun
Three things that turn you on: sense of humor, scent, sincerity
Three things that turn you off: know-it-alls, scent (lol), thinking that your way is the right way and not considering other avenues or possiblities
Two truths and a lie: my family means more to me than anything, I am finally feeling more secure with myself and in the direction my family is going, I love my job
Three things you can't live without: water (I drink it nonstop everyday), cigarettes (at least for now... I want to quit soon), seeing my son laugh
Three places you want to go on vacation: Greece, Australia, Carribean
Three things you just can't do: run for any length of time (as in no time lol), draw, talk before a group with out blushing profusely
Three kids names: Taylor, Kristen, Chelsea (you can tell I had a boy huh lol)
Three things you want to do before you die: live on a boat, travel (with said boat lol) and spend quality time with my grandchildren doing all things you can't as a mother but you can as a grandmother
Three of your favorite musicians: Tim McGraw, Bon Jovi, Meatloaf
Three physical things about the opposite sex that appeals to you: eyes, butt and arms
Three of your favorite hobbies: cooking, reading, planning parties or dinners etc.
Three things you really want to do badly right now: not have to do dishes after dinner, watch a good movie, take a long hot bath with bubbles and candles and everything
Three careers you're considering/you've considered: caterer, forensic specialist, nurse
Three ways that you are stereotypically a boy:this one is hard... I don't think I have any
Three ways that you are stereotypically a girl: LOL all of them... I cry too easily, I want to be taken care of, I cook, clean, manage a household and child, I love sappy movies and can watch Lifetime, the WE channel, TLC, The Food Network non stop oh yea and don't forget the SOAP Network lol

TGIF

WOW... this has been a hell of a week. I am glad it's over (at least work anyway).
Today things at work got kinda crazy. I almost cried I was so upset and pissed. And then I was more mad because I almost cried and I try very hard not to get to that point. I also have a tendency to cry when I am angry and it makes things seem less emphatic and professional when I try and make a point. I work in a position that I guess most would say is very demanding and highly stressful.
I have to work under guidelines from several different departments and people. I don't work directly with clients but what I do directly affects the clients. Its hard to explain. I am also under constant deadlines with fellow employees not always keeping to those deadlines. They sometimes don't realize that when I have finished something and they come to me with a small change it may seem like nothing but when ALL 27 of them have a small change here and there it makes it hard. I also try and please everyone, to a fault it seems. Sometimes there are going to be situations where you just can't make everyone happy with a project. Today was one of those days. I had to decide which was the best option to cover most of the bases of happiness. I am almost positive I will hear about it Monday morning. Oh well at least I have two days and a extra hour of sleep to prepare for it lol.
We are going to a Halloween party tonight (PS.. thanks for the costume advice Jewels :) thrown by a coworker. I am excited but a little nervous. It is always a worry when in a party situation with people you work with, especially when alcohol is involved and several of our bosses will be there. We will be good though. Kinda thinking of making an appearance and hanging out awhile and then coming home for maybe a little private party ourselves --wink-- The boy is staying over a friends house tonight... just what we needed also.
Other than that not much is happening right now. We have some family issues to discuss and work out and also some holiday planning to get started. I am sooooo not prepared this year. I have got to work on some way of getting more organized about it. It would probably help if we weren't always so tight on money. Oh well... maybe someday :)
Happy Halloween to all in Blogville!!

lg

Thoughts

Ok... Random thoughts here... I have had a lot of things going through my head lately and this probably won't do it justice or even make any sense.
Earlier today C read Kaya's post "Fucked" and said to me on the way home from work that she had a post I had to read and it kinda made him feel like it was something I would have written if I was doing a secret blog and he found it. I came home and read it right away. I have to say i have no clue why he said that to me. It was a great post and I felt what she was portraying, but I didn't feel like it was something I could have written. I think (and I told him this) that it was probably something he thought I was feeling. The whole "not paying enough attention to me" thing. I can understand other bloggers who blog about needing the constant reinforcement and discipline. I told C that right now that is something that I don't want out of this. I could tell (and he kinda said)that he was disappointed. I know that he wants much different things out of this.
In a way I feel guilty about that because I am the one that brought this up. I am the one who read blog after blog and finally introduced it to him. But, in my defense, we are all struggling to find our true selves and I am sure it is hit and miss for most of us most of the time.
We have been married for almost 19 years. Truthfully I have been submissive the whole time. Maybe not in the classic "spanking etc" sorta way but I have taken care of him throughout. I still to this day will get up at least 15 minutes before he has to (1 and 1/2 hours before technically I have to) and get him up and ready for work. If I don't on rare occasions, I feel extremely bad.
But anyway... we were talking about Kaya's post and I think it disappointed him that I didn't feel that way. I told him one of the reasons I didn't was because for sooo long I have been "the submissive" that now we have gotten to a place in our lives (because we have a tiny bit more money and also our child is a little more self suffecient) that I am at a place now to do more with my life. Whether it be gardening or wicca (which is something I have been reading a lot of) or a new career. I don't know. I have never really had the opportunity or chance to think of anything beyond making the family dynamics work. He says he understands this and I can do whatever I need to. I know this... now I just have to figure out what I want to do. I just hope that he understands that I still need him as much if not more than I ever did. This whole process is a growing step for both of us. I love him unending and I want nothing more than for our family to grow to it's best ability. I wholeheartedly admire the people on the blogs I read and only hope to reach their level of contentment and happiness that I read in their blogs regularly.

lg

Update and More...

Well it's been forever since I wrote anything here... not that I wrote alot before lol. Like C has been blogging about, things have been crazy in our household lately. And just when you think you might get some breathing room some more stuff pops up. Our weekends are pretty much booked for the next three weeks. It will be fun stuff but I would really like some time to tackle some more unpacking and getting the house in order. Oh and dealing with an almost teenager is TONS more stress than I thought it would be. I was naively under the impression that maybe things would get easy when he was able to do much more for himself and not have to rely on me for things. Boy was I wrong. I spend more time and attention on his ass now.
On the D/s (or whatever you call what we are doing) front... things seem to be coming along nicely. We are trying to find our grooves and what we both want and need out of it. Sometimes those wants and needs don't translate the same but we are overcoming that and moving on to new levels. That's all we can ask for right now. I am happy that we finally got internet at home because I am looking forward to reading a lot more blogs and information on the lifestyle. I also want to be able to do all those meme's and quizzes that go around blogville. They look like so much fun :)
Thanks to all who were patient with us and still come around to check our blogs. I promise to write much more often. Even if it is only mundane 'what I did all day' stuff. I also think that I will be "required" to write more often lol.
Oh yeah... I need some Halloween costume ideas. We have a work party to go to next week and being low on cash I need some ideas for stuff that I can use from around the household. Thanks!!
lg

Our First Session

Tuesday night was the first real session within this leg of our developing immersion into D/s. I feel proud of myself for being able to let go & let him lead me where he wanted. I wasn’t sure I would be able to do that. Surpassing this test (so to say) so far gives me hope that we can integrate more D/s into our lifestyle. I still realize that it will take lots of work on my part & a whole lot of soul searching but it is something I really want to continue.
The night started with us coming home and me making dinner. Which so far is not out of the ordinary. When we started looking more & more into submission, we realized that a lot of how we already lived tended to be a Dominant/submissive lifestyle.
While I was preparing dinner I knew that he was preparing for the night. I saw what he was pulling out & setting up. He retrieved an old clothes hanging stand with a weighted bottom from storage. It’s metal & adjustable T-shaped unit much like what you would use in a laundry room. I was definitely nervous about this because I knew that I would be tied to it. Being tied up is still hard for me to do. I also saw various dildos and clamps. I have to say I was getting excited but it also scared me a lot.
I pride myself on knowing what he needs or wants before he even does but with this new aspect of our lives unfolding, I wasn’t sure where he would go or what he would do. That is definitely mind-boggling to me.
After we ate dinner, he had the stand at it’s highest level and he strapped me to it. It was very hard to keep my balance. I am short & the stand was a little top heavy. I had to work to stay upright. I was grateful that he intermittently lowered & raised the bar to give my arms and back a break now & then. I am not in the best shape (something I am trying to work on) & I have serious back pain problems so he really helped by doing that. I can twist wrong & end up in bed for days because of my back and it really helped me to realize that he would take these things into consideration.
He took me off the stand after what seemed like a long time. But kept my hands cuffed together. I laid out on the bed while he applied nipple clamps to me. I have to say this sends me over the edge. I am a nipple whore. He then put a dildo in me and started fucking me with it. After being tied to the pole & then this, I really went somewhere in myself. I remember aspects of what happened that night but probably not in the right order. He was slapping my tits hard and it sent me further inward. I remember relishing his pleasure. Just hearing him moan made me want to endure more for his pleasure.
At that point I wanted to do or be anything he wanted. I wanted him to do what he wanted to gain pleasure apposed to him holding back because he worried about me. It was very intense.
After he came all over my tits and the clamps, we just laid side by side panting & making sure we both weren’t having heart attacks! Lol Even at that moment I wanted more. My body was sore. My tits were bruised and very sensitive. My pussy was stretched & bruised. All I could think about was doing that again. I’m not sure who started it but I found myself touching his still damp cock. He was rubbing and squeezing my tits. I started rubbing my very sore pussy & he started rubbing his cock. We laid there touching ourselves & each other until we came again.
I slept VERY well that night! : ) And I don’t know what it is but I woke up the next morning horny and I wanted him to really fuck me. Something about getting fucked hard before you go to work! I crawled back into bed and started rubbing his cock, which only takes a second for him to get hard & ready. I straddled his cock & started moving slowly. He was still half asleep but very much into it. He reached up to squeeze my nipple & I shuddered with the pain from the night before & the intense pleasure that produced. Because of time restraints, it was one of those very intense love making sessions. After we both came we took showers & headed into the ‘vanilla’ part of our lives.
I am hoping that this is something we do more regularly and that I can go more into my submission for him. We are learning and experimenting. I really do believe that we will get there completely one day.

I am his.

lilgirl

Life Update

It has been such a crazy and hectic week. Everything seems so out of control right now that I can't even begin to figure out how to take care of what needs done. I guess I just have to have faith that it will all work out in the end.
We are trying to send our son on a major trip out of the country this summer and well... it's expensive. Not extravagant but still very expensive for us. I know that this is the best opportunity for him and I sure could not give him this chance on what it will cost to do this particular program. So the tuition deadline is due soon and I am using every bit of 'creative accounting' I can come with. We also should have started saving for this trip much sooner but that would have made life TOO easy lol. We'll get through it. We always do.
Work has me stressed beyond words lately but I can't really get into all that right yet.
I'm worried about my son because he is 12 and, well, thats what mothers of 12 year-olds do... they worry. He is doing ok in school but not good or great. He is obnoxious in that way that they say the 'right things' just not in the 'right way'. Its tough all around. And it is also making me very sad because I kinda feel like I am losing him. It's hard to explain.
We really haven't done anything new with the dominance/ submission thing lately. I am grateful for that actually. Right now I feel like I am doing the very best I can to get through the day and do what is needed daily. I don't know if I could handle any real big dominance right now and I don't want him to think it was about him if I couldn't handle it. Its all so very confusing.
I need to get back to work but I hope to write some more soon. Maybe it will help me to get some of these things out and on paper.
Smiles :)